Baba Yaga

“BABA YAGA”

CAST:

NARRATOR

FATHER / SKULL

STEPMOTHER / BABA YAGA

CAT

GATES

HUT (X2 Multiple people?)

[In darkness, enter NATASHA, seated on floor. Lights Up.]

NARRATOR

Once upon a time there lived a girl named Natasha. She was the daughter of a widower, and though they were lonely, they were happy together, playing in the endless forest that surrounded their little hut. Such is the way of fairy tales: it always seems as though nothing will ever change and that everything is eternal, until something does, in fact, change. Natasha and her Father never wanted for anything, until one day, her father came to her with strange news. So such stories always go.

[Enter FATHER.]

FATHER:
Natasha, we need to talk, my dear.

NATASHA:
Yes father?

FATHER:
Well, it has been a long time since mother died, and we both miss her very much, but there are… some things…that only a mother can do. So, I have decided to remarry.

NATASHA:
You mean I’ll have a new mommy?

FATHER:
(Nervous Laugh) Yes, a new mommy. I met her in the forest while collecting firewood, and she comes here today to be my wife. I know it seems sudden, but it is not unusual in stories such as these.

Enter STEPMOTHER.

NATASHA:
Hello, Stepmother–

STEPMOTHER:
(interrupting) Little children are to be seen, not heard. Now, Natasha, my dearest…I need a needle and a thread to mend your father’s shirt. Go fetch me them.


FATHER:
Do as she says.

[Natasha exits backstage.]

STEPMOTHER

My dear, handsome, strong, brave husband- would life not be better if we were free of your little one? Then you and I could be alone, where I could sink my teeth into you.

FATHER

I love Natasha, my dear. Please don’t make me choose between the two of you.

STEPMOTHER

You think I mean to make you choose? How insulting- I need to be alone. Now, Go!

FATHER EXITS

STEPMOTHER

One might wonder what a man could see in a verbally abusive woman he found wandering in the woods one day, but this is the way such stories always go.

NATASHA ENTERS


NATASHA:
We have no needle and thread.

STEPMOTHER:

(interrupting) Seen, not heard, Natasha! (sizes up Natasha, pinches her cheek) Well then…Could you go to my sister Baba Yaga’s house and get it a needle and some thread for me?

NATASHA:
Baba Yaga? Baba Yaga, the witch who flies through the night in a mortar and pestle? Baba Yaga, who lives beyond a gate of skulls in a hut with chicken legs? Baba Yaga, who has iron teeth and eats children? Your sister is Baba Yaga?

STEPMOTHER:
Hold your tongue, you little savage. My sister is sweet, beautiful, and kind. I’ll hear no more ill talk of her. Take these little scraps of food and go!


[STEPMOTHER hands NATASHA a handkerchief with food in it. NATASHA takes it, and turns. STEPMOTHER exits. LIGHTS DIM.]

[NATASHA looks into the BINDLE]

NATASHA:

A lump of greasy bread, a hard acorn, and a salted fish? A trio of items, that, at first glance, will have no use to the protagonist in such a story.


[NATASHA moves to STAGE RIGHT. ENTER GATES, SKULL. HUT enters CENTER STAGE, BABA YAGA is obscured by HUT.]

NATASHA:
Hello, is this the gate of Baba Yaga?

GATES:
(Groans) These are the gates of Baba Yaga.

NATASHA:
I’m Natasha, I came to get a needle and thread for my stepmother.

GATES:

(Groans)

NATASHA:

Is something the matter?

GATES:

(Groans) I haven’t been oiled in so long, my joints are aching. I have been neglected by my master, and in need of the kindness only children know in stories such as these.

NATASHA:

You poor thing. I have this greasy bread, let me see what I can do.

[NATASHA rubs grease into the joints of the GATE]

GATES:

I shall remember your kindness, and perhaps you will be rewarded for your selflessness later on. Such it always is, in stories such as these.

[The GATES swing open, and the SKULL steps forward. His eyes are closed.]


SKULL:

Halt! Who goes there? (pause) No, seriously, who goes there? I can’t see a goddamn thing. No eyeballs, amiright?

NATASHA:

I-

SKULL:

Why Baba Yaga wants to hang a skull on her door and use it like some kind of doorman is beyond me, but hey, what do I know? I’m a blind, brainless, reanimated piece of a rotten human corpse, amiright?

NATASHA:

Well, I-

SKULL:

I mean, Witches, amiright? Can’t be happy with a simple door knocker, Nooooo, need to go and dig up a corpse, rip its skull out, boil it in some mystic bullshit and then hang it up as a grisly totem to ward off visitors. Who taught this bitch to decorate, Vlad the Impaler? Not that I’d be any better, not having eyes and all, Amiright?

NATASHA:

Well, I might be able to help with that- will this acorn make a serviceable eye?

[NATASHA stuff the acorn into SKULLS eye. SKULL opens one eye, looks around with it]

SKULL:

Hot DAMN! It’s good to see again. You’re all right, kid, and a little heartbreaker, too. I’ll remember this. You want in? Just tell the stupid chicken-hut to sit its mythological ass down and it’ll do it, but make sure it’s in the form of a rhyming couplet. Huts love that shit. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to stare out into the forest and count squirrels. Uh…as it always is in stories such as these, or something.

[SKULL moves over to GATE’s position and waits. When NATASHA approaches the HUT, it moves and trembles, and its legs dance around.]

NATASHA:

Hut Of Brown! Now Sit Down!


[The HUT stops moving, kneels, and BABA YAGA steps out, followed by CAT. BABA YAGA is slowly balling up an impossible tangle of yarn. CAT is doing CAT things.]

BABA-YAGA:
Well, well, a visitor. What can your sweet harmless auntie Baba Yaga do for you?

NATASHA:
Auntie, I just came for a needle and thread. My stepmother needs to mend my father’s shirt.

BABA-YAGA:
Why, of course my dear. Why don’t you take over undoing this knot of yarn for me and I’ll fetch it for you right away.

NATASHA:
Yes, Auntie. What a tangle- this could take forever. But, in stories such as these, children are always subordinate to adults, regardless of their obviously wicked intentions. So, I unwind.

[BABA-YAGA walks to the side of the stage, where she meets the SKULL, whose eye is open.]

SKULL:

Oh my god, you’re fucking hideous. (closes eye)

BABA-YAGA:
Loyal servant, I’m going to boil some water to cook this child in. If this girl tries to escape, I want you to bite her sweet little head off.

SKULL:
Wow, that’s graphic.

[BABA YAGA exits backstage]

SKULL:

Yo, I think that bitch it going to eat you. As it always is in stories, etcetera.

CAT:
I haven’t had a bite of food in weeks, yet Baba-Yaga is going to eat a whole little girl? Why do evil creatures always mistreat their subordinates in stories such as these? It seems like a bad way to maintain employer/employee relationships. Me-Ow.

NATASHA

You poor thing. I have a little salted fish, take it for yourself.

CAT

Me-ow. That’s the stuff.

BABA-YAGA (offstage)
You’re still undoing that yarn, aren’t you?

NATASHA

Yes ma’am!

CAT

You know what? I think Skull is right- Baba Yaga has a track record of eating everyone who comes in here. She even disguised herself as a beautiful woman and married some dumb woodsman, gloating about she was going to lure his kid away, eat her, and then eat her husband. Me-Ow.


BABA-YAGA:
Are you still undoing that yarn?

NATASHA:
Yes ma’am.

CAT

Look, honey, you should run. Just gimme that yarn before you do. Cat’s do love yarn-

NATASHA

In stories such as these?

CAT

Don’t be so precocious,

[NATASHA gives CAT the Yarn. CAT promptly starts playing with it and spreading it about, making joyful cat noises]

SKULL

We got your back, homegirl.

NATASHA

Thank you all so much!

NATASHA flees offstage, running through GATES, who let her pass with a sigh. NATASHA stands just beyond the GATES.

BABA YAGA

Still rolling up that yarn for your Auntie Baba Yaga?

CAT

Yes meow.

[Enter BABA-YAGA.]

BABA-YAGA:
YOU!

[The CAT throws the Yarn over Baba Yaga, gives her the finger, and flees off stage making cat noises]

BABA-YAGA (struggling with Yarn)
Traitorous vermin!
( stumbles towards the SKULL)

SKULL

The things I do for love. And free eyeballs. (bites BABA YAGA, who howls in rage)

BABA YAGA

I’m going to gnaw the flesh from your bones, you little brat, and then boil your father into a stew!

[BABA YAGA stumbles towards NATASHA and the GATES, who promptly swing shut and knock her back towards the HUT, which is standing.]

NATASHA
Hut of Brown! Now Sit Down!

[The HUT crushes BABA YAGA. NATASHA flees.]

NARRATOR

As you probably guessed, Natasha ran right home to her Father and explained that his wife had been Baba Yaga in disguise, as the cat had told her. When her Father heard this, he wept and embraced his daughter, and they lived together in peace, playing games in the woods and Natasha never grew older, nor was he Father lonely, and they never knew hunger or sorrow again, till the end of all time. No lesson was learned, no moral was taught, as it is and always should be, in stories such as these.

(LIGHTS OUT)

Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s